Why I Need A Perpetual Late Pass

Cocaine Procrastination is a hell of a drug and believe me, its easy to get hooked.

Procrastination is the very reason why its been damn near 600 days since the last time I've made a blog post. Since my last blog post exactly 37.2 trillion blog worthy events have transpired and I completely missed the opportunity to write about them. In my defense I am a self-diagnosed sufferer of a very debilitating disease called "Chronic Procrastination Disorder" (also known as CPD.) It should be noted that Chronic Procrastination Disorder is an acute form of CPT (colored people time) and it affects people of all ages and races.

Seriously though, while I was suppose to be mailing some promotional material at work I looked up chronic procrastination on WebMD and Wikipeda. You probably aren't surprised that I couldn't find a single WebMD article about CPD (but thats only because I made it up myself) so technically it isn't a "real disease" but According to Wikipedia, the act of chronically procrastinating may be a sign of an underlying psychological disorder.

*Checks mail for Disability Check and crazy pill prescription*

I'll admit I have no medical training besides religiously watching 6 seasons of Greys Anatomy, but here is my personal assessment of CPD:

Symptoms

...you have a distorted understanding of time, including confusion about time of day, day of week, or current month or year. This distorted understanding of time has lead you to attempt to use expired coupons or other out-dated material such as credit cards .

...you have a carton of milk in your refrigerator that is 30+ days past the expiration date.

...you are late to work or school more often than you are on time.

...you have bread that is growing so much mold folks claim to see images of the Virgin Mary in it.

...during daylight savings time you don't set your clocks back but are still late to everything

P.S You might have CPD if you've experienced 3 or more of the above.

Triggers
Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.

Treatment
Get off your ass, move around, and put your hands on something.

*Sigh* Personally I'd rather just take a pill, get a shot or wear a patch or something. As a matter of fact, this diagnosis is making me depressed... there's a pill for that too right? I should probably finish this damn post but I feel a CPD attack coming on. I should probably get some rest or something.

Talk to y'all later.

You Know You've Been in the 'Hood to Long...

The 'hood is like no other place on earth. It has its good and bad qualities. Its no paradise- it is what it is. Some folks work their whole lives to get out of the 'hood...but even so, I'm reminded of the saying, "you can take the boy out of the 'hood, but you can't take the 'hood out of the boy." Trust me, I know alot of folks with alot of hood still left in them and there's nothing wrong with it. But remember just because you moved out, doesn't mean that you don't still have some hood tendencies. Read this list and see how many of these things apply to you:

You know you've been in the 'hood too long if:

...you prefer to eat your frosted flakes with grape Kool-aid instead of milk.

...one of your goals in life is to be someone's "baby mama" or "baby daddy", but not spouse.

...if you've ever listed your child's mother or father on a form and wrote "baby daddy" or "baby mama" down for relation.

...if you think its acceptable to wear your shower cap outside of your house.

...if you think Alize, and Mercedes are cute baby names.

...if you want to be buried in your favorite Roc-A-Wear outfit and your wave cap.

...if you've ever eaten a condiment sandwhich (you know...mayonaise, syrup, ketchup.)

...if you stop by random churches in your hood when there's a funeral just to make sure it isn't somebody you know

(...you stay at that funeral even after you find out it isn't someone you know.)

...if you don't see anything wrong with throwin 20inch rims and tires on a 1986 Grand Am

...if you plan on wearing Air Force Ones with your Tux on your wedding day.

...if you've ever quit a job or started a fight because you, "didn't like the way someone looked at you."

...if you have a X-Box 360, Playstation 3 or Wii (or more than one of them) but no computer in your house.

And the number one way to tell if you've been in the 'hood too long is if...
...you actually think "conversate" is a real word.


See y'all next week...

I'll Show You How to Do This...

I should have titled this, "Everything I needed to know about dating I learned from Jay-Z" but the title was just too long.

First, of all, I already know what some of y'all are going to say. So let me set the record straight, No, this is not a shameless plug for my favorite rapper. The fact of the matter is that when Mr. Carter was at the pinnacle of his career, I was in the beginning stages of my dating years. Its always good to get advice about men, from a man; so, without further ado, ladies, here's some very valuable advice from Jay-Z to me to you. Oh yeah- on behalf of him and I, you're welcome!

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Jay-Z on Players: "You can't change a players game in the 9th inning" From: "Ain't No..." (Reasonable Doubt)

What this means: Bad habits die hard, and old habits die harder. You'd be crazy to think that you can a make a man change the way he operates. If he was a player when you found him, expect him to be one when you give him back.

What this doesn't mean: This doesn't mean that men can can't change or won't change; it only means that YOU can't change him. Also, keep in mind that if a man has been doing something for 20+ years of his life, don't expect him to change after the first 6 months of dating you.

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Jay-Z on dating: "Take your time when you likin' a guy/cuz If he sense that your feelings to intense/ its pimp or die" From "Soon You'll Understand" (The Dynasty: The Roc La Familia)

What this means: Don't present a guy with an opportunity to take advantage of you. If you're dealing with a guy and you're doing something- anything that makes his life easier, he will probably keep you around for as long as he can, even if he doesn't like you.

What this doesn't mean: Don't play games, but don't start acting like you're his girlfriend, after a couple of dates. This means, don't start running his errands, "loaning" money, trickin' off, or getting naked before you're sure the feelings are reciprocal. Even then, proceed with caution.

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Jay-Z on : "Ma don't give him nuthin, less he treating you special..." From: "Show You How" (The Blueprint)

What this means: This seems like its pretty self explanatory, but it isn't. Let him go out of his way for you. Make him show you how feels, as opposed to him only telling you all of the time. Don't give him nothing- no sex, no head, no time, no money, no nothing, until he has given you a reason* to. (*Reasons may vary)

What this doesn't mean: Don't start throwing your panties at him, just because he sent you a text message with a smiley face at the end. Don't hop in the sack with him just he "got your nails done." Don't give him head in his car just because he introduced you to his friends as his girl.


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Jay-Z on Break-ups: "Shed a tear or two, but don't get to crazy, baby, why are you behaving, like there ain't other fish in the fish bowl..." From: "Shake it off (remix)", (The Emancipation of Mimi)

What this Means: Break-ups happen, things fall apart, its inevitable. Listen to "Cry Me a River" by J. Timberlake, or "Not Gon' Cry" by MJB, shed a tear and keep it moving. Don't forget that there is more than one eligable bachelor, worthy of your time and affections in your vacinity. A break up ain't the end of world, so don't act like it is.

What this doens't mean: This doesn't mean cry your eyes out for days, become depressed or worry to much about finding a replacement for whoever you just got rid of.

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What Jonnie Thinks:
Don't give miscellaneous dudes, boyfriend privileges and don't give your boyfriend husband privileges. You have to determine what that means to you. When you find yourself in a 12 year "relationship" with no ring, its probably because you didn't make the differentiation between boyfriend and husband, so neither did he. Why should he? Hmm...how does that saying go? Why buy the cow, when the cow followed you home and poured you a glass of milk for free?

Come to think of it why be the cow? In this dating game ladies, be the buyer, not the seller. Don't wait to get chosen, do the choosing.

...let the church say amen!

E-Reality

Alright boys and girls, this is my first blog entry ever!!! and I'm gonna do y'all a favor and teach y'all a new vocabulary word! Today's vocabulary word is e-balls.

Main Entry: e-balls
Pronunciation: \ˈē-,ˈbȯlz\

Part of speech: noun
1. shameless boldness that a person only displays when his or her idenity is veiled by the annonymitity of the Internet.

Its important to point out that folks who have e-balls rarely display such shameless boldness
when dealing with people in the real world. I should also point out that the e-ball phenomenon isn't the only one sweeping the Internet. There are several other e-traits that people inherit when on the Internet. Check this list and see if any of these apply to you, or people you know.

The E-freak - y'all know what I'm talkin' about. You know- the chics (or the guys) who are always quick to tell you what they would do to you if they ever got you alone in a room, but when they finally do get you in all alone, they act all shy (and try to play it off as being coy

The E-Scholar - these are the folks who are always tryin' to school you. These folks are also now regurgiatate facts and statistics that they've read on the CNN news ticker and provide links to random articles and stories. In real life, the e-scholar is probably a college drop-out

The E-baller - The e-baller can typically been found on myspace; If its a male, his avatar is usually features a picture of him posing with a stack on money (50s on top 1s in the middle,) and beauty shop chain and charm. If its a female, she's usually sporting the best of Urban Couture (you know...Baby Phat, Apple Bottom). I.R.L. the e-baller has a prepaid cellphone, no cable at their crib, and lives off of Wendy's Dollar Menu.

Keep in mind that the above list isn't all inclusive, but according to my observations, those are the e-traits that are most prevalent on the internet. There are several occasion in which folks display their e-traits, whether it be breaking up with your girlfriend via text message or e-mail or spreading rumors about your ex-bfff via Myspace bulletins.

My point is, some folks sure do get bold on the internet and start to act out of character. My only advice to those folks is to quit living vicariously through your online personas, and grow some irl-balls, or better yet, get some irl-damn sense.